ME

Where does one begin when a loved one dies. In this case I lost my youngest son who, only because of circumstances, was closer to me than the other eight beautiful children I have. We lived together on two or three different time periods of time, worked together and went out and had a few beers. It was a time that I will never forget and miss terribly. I can´t help feeling that we had a connection between us like that of twins, remembering that at that time there was a 2000 +/- distance between us. Of course, I wasn´t aware of that at first, but when he was sick and taking chemo near the end I spent three days dressed in sweat pants, warm socks and a real heavy sweat shirt. I slept in them and did absolutely nothing for the three days. It was as though I were hibernating and had no energy at all – my mind was blank. It was a mystery to me then, as to what was happening to me. Shortly thereafter, I found that it coincided exactly with his being unable to get someone to take him to the hospital since he was so weak he couldn´t do anything for himself. I woke up one morning out of a sound sleep crying, a premonition that he was really in serious trouble. After calling his sister to let her know that she should go right away to see what the situation was, she went and took him to the hospital. I will never forgive myself for being so blind when I was out there earlier, to not detect that he was worse than I ever imagined. He was so brave and never let me know how he was really feeling. Had I known I would have stayed there and not left him alone. For someone to suffer that way alone is unthinkable to me and the thought of his going through that tears me up inside. He died shortly after midnight on the 5^th of September and I immediately felt as though something was leaving my body and ascending. It was an unforgettable experience and gone in an instant. For some unexplainable reason I felt calm, no crying, almost without emotion, quite a difference from trip out there on the plane. When I arrived at the airport I was so upset at the prospect of losing him I had to go the restroom to vomit before continuing directly to the hospital.

You are thinking of yourself, I am told when I cry and can´t stop feeling the way I do. Well, I have to agree. After all I, or the me and myself that occupies this body has been there for a long time. Out of necessity, all of my life has been responsibilities upon responsibilities; to my family, to my job and first and foremost to the me, myself and I that must come first before anyone else. This is the priority in life. Negating or neglecting the me, myself and I means it would be impossible to take care of all the duties and responsibilities that me, myself and I have been confronted with. Example: not taking care of me´s health or driving recklessly with the end result that myself dies or is killed is definitely not advisable in terms of taking care of me, myself and I´s responsibilities. It is me, myself and I that has been effected by my son´s death so why is it supposedly so wrong to feel sorry for myself?

I know that “life goes on” and I have to accept the fact that I will never be able to hold him and tell him that I love him again. It just so happens that when I am down and realize that this is real, I can´t help myself. And it isn´t because I am feeling sorry for myself, it is because I wish I had been aware of what is going on in his life. If I have learned anything from this experience it is, try not being so self-involved to the point of ignoring all the ones you really care about.

By
Bruce Stokes

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